![[UPDATED]Letter to Staff #1 (Why 100?)](http://tuttlescorner.com/wp-content/themes/echoes/timthumb.php?src=/wp-content/uploads/why100.jpg&h=0&w=600&zc=1&q=72)
✦
Herewith are the beginnings of a modest critique of Bruce Buschel’s “modest list of dos and don’ts for servers at the seafood restaurant [he is] building.” I doubt it will be completed anytime soon (my critique, not his restaurant), but it’s far enough along that it will be a nice thing to be able to come back to from time to time….
Parsing Bruce’s Big Opening
Herewith is a modest list of dos and don’ts for servers at the seafood restaurant I am building. Veteran waiters, moonlighting actresses, libertarians and baristas will no doubt protest some or most of what follows. They will claim it homogenizes them or stifles their true nature. And yet, if 100 different actors play Hamlet, hitting all the same marks, reciting all the same lines, cannot each one bring something unique to that role?
Gut reaction: Overarching (dick-like) condescension; arguing from the negative (~80:20 “don’ts” to “dos,” looking down the list); many items are formally, informally &/r by quantification fallacious (by bare assertion, conjunction fallacy, false dichotomy (false dilemma), appeal to ridicule, existential fallacy, proof by example, etc. [cite instances!!!]) and although debating them would normally prove to be a fool’s errand, for some reason, today, it beats playing Klondike on my iPhone while I wait for my breakfast.
“Herewith is a modest list of dos and don’ts…”.
False modesty veiled in hipster-y irony (the very “tone of insincerity or sarcasm”) that is frowned upon below [cite goddammit!!!].
“…for servers at the seafood restaurant I am building.”
[...[for [[servers]] at the [[seafood] [restaurant]] [I am building]].] This is part of a fantasy, then, a fantasy you have about how things will go with respect to the spirit and the letter of your list, e.g., “I will (have someone) print up this list to hand out to every new hire. They will memorize it along with the menu items and their knowledge will be tested before they are able to work on the floor. I will sometimes add items to the list, or change things around. (It is not necessary that the list be limited to 100 items.) I will (have someone) pass out addenda at employee meetings as the list evolves. Maybe I will have it posted near the time-clock, laminated….”
“Veteran waiters [journeymen for whom one dining house is pretty much the same as another, but who are valuable if not a little dangerous to have around because they know more about restaurants than you do][;] moonlighting actresses [women who don't care about your restaurant as much as you do, but who look pretty good on the floor][;] libertarians [libertarians? does he really mean 'non-conformists' or is he actually equating 'the employer' with 'the state'??] and baristas [shorthand for...?] (will…)”
Squishing together archetypes from the thin clay of a shallow labor pool (and without having hired a soul as yet), Bruce has already set the stage for a confrontational relationship between himself and his (prospective) staff. It’s not even built and it’s already evolved into an unpleasant place to work.
“(…will) no doubt protest some or most of what follows.”
?
“They will claim it homogenizes them or stifles their true nature.”
Of course having and holding a job (working for The Man) in a restaurant tends to homogenize people and to stifle their true natures. The homogenization begins with the issuance of uniforms, the need to keep oneself groomed and so on. I think that’s all expected, even by libertarians who are looking for work. What people can’t generally know when they start a new job are the specific ways and the methods by which their true natures will ultimately be ground down by their new employers. You, though, have provided many hints as to the possibilities for your prospective employees, so perhaps you’re to be thanked.
“And yet, if 100 different actors play Hamlet, hitting all the same marks, reciting all the same lines, cannot each one bring something unique to that role?”
That is the question.
Parsing Bruce’s List
Mmm…, before we get started, I do want to mention one item that’s a high priority for all of us here at Tuttle’s Corner (not just the servers) which doesn’t appear on Bruce’s list as it really should, so I’m going to pencil it in right here at the top for his, and his staff’s, benefit:
Always leave the bathroom cleaner than you found it.
Seriously, people.
Okay, Bruce, let’s do this…
1. Do not let anyone enter the restaurant without a warm greeting.
So, right off the bat I’m wondering what’s meant by “warm greeting.” For example, when a customer (or any person) enters my neighborhood sushi restaurant, the entire staff stops what they’re doing and greets the new arrival from all around the restaurant with a resounding, Irasshaimase! Too warm? Hugs and kisses? Handshakes? Look, I ask for three qualities in front-of-the-house staff: Alacrity, empathy and business-sense. This means that, at the same moment, everyone who works on my floor is able to recognize, classify and contain their relationship to each person who walks through my door. A performer who comes in for dinner or drinks after a poor showing on stage that evening may or may not want to be greeted at all, or may only want to have contact with one or two people whom they recognize. Someone else may send an advance person ahead to give them a sense of who and what they will encounter when they enter—who is in the house, where those people are seated, what they’re eating, and what is the most advantageous path for them to take through the room on the way to their table. Everyone who comes in has different needs at different times. It is best that front-of-the-house-staff is able to immediately recognize, if not anticipate, any expression of a customer’s desire, and to act upon it graciously and just as quickly.
2. Do not make a singleton feel bad. Do not say, “Are you waiting for someone?” Ask for a reservation. Ask if he or she would like to sit at the bar.
Is this to say, “Make a singleton feel good. Say, ‘Do you have a reservation?’”? That would make me defensive. I think it’s best just to say, “Hi” or “How are you?” and let the “singleton” tell you what h/s would like. (Also, don’t refer to solo diners as “singletons.” It’s alienating and de-personalizing. Solo diners are treated as honored guests and are shown every courtesy.
3. Never refuse to seat three guests because a fourth has not yet arrived.
Agreed. Holding a four-top because one person in a party hasn’t arrived insults the people who arrived on time by privileging four people who haven’t arrived. These guests should be offered drinks and small plates for the table while they wait for their fourth. Having something to offer a late-comer when they arrive makes it easier for parties to gel. (Note: Whether or not three out of four guests in a party arrive on time for their reservation, if reservations are running late, parties who have waited the longest after their scheduled reservation should be seated first whether or not their party is complete.)
4. If a table is not ready within a reasonable length of time, offer a free drink and/or amuse-bouche. The guests may be tired and hungry and thirsty, and they did everything right.
"Amuse-bouche" signifies somewhat finer fare than will be on offer at the seafood restaurant you’re building. Maybe you mean amuse-gueule. Also, this seems to be more an issue for reservationists and hosts than servers. Please try not to overbook tables.
5. Tables should be level without anyone asking. Fix it before guests are seated.
It is incumbent upon the ownership and management to maintain and service tables and floors so that this issue doesn’t come up at all and that if and when it does come up, it is by no means a common-place occurrence. Maintenance of tables and floors is not the responsibility of servers, busboys or kitchen staff.
6. Do not lead the witness with, “Bottled water or just tap?” Both are fine. Remain neutral.
Agreed. (See: Item 2 in Reminder to Wait-Staff #6)
7. Do not announce your name. No jokes, no flirting, no cuteness.
Agreed. (See: Item 1 in Reminder to Wait-Staff #6)
8. Do not interrupt a conversation. For any reason. Especially not to recite specials. Wait for the right moment.
Again, an instruction given in the negative (and condescendingly passing clauses off as sentences) which offers no useful strategy for approaching a table (beyond the abstruse suggestion to ‘wait for the right moment’).
9. Do not recite the specials too fast or robotically or dramatically. It is not a soliloquy. This is not an audition.
Actually, recitation of the specials of the day is both an audition and a soliloquy, Bruce. One imagines that if you didn’t sense this, you wouldn’t have directed your staff on how not to recite them.
10. Do not inject your personal favorites when explaining the specials.
No. Sell the specials.
11. Do not hustle the lobsters. That is, do not say, “We only have two lobsters left.” Even if there are only two lobsters left.
No. If there are only two lobsters left, tell people that there are only two lobsters left. You don’t want three people to order two lobsters. That breeds disappointment, which is really the last thing you want to bring out in a customer.
12. Do not touch the rim of a water glass. Or any other glass.
The rim (again in the negative)?!?! Rule of thumb: Never touch the top half of a glass.
13. Handle wine glasses by their stems and silverware by the handles.
Good!
14. When you ask, “How’s everything?” or “How was the meal?” listen to the answer and fix whatever is not right.
We don’t say “how’s everything?” or “how was the meal?” because questions like this first assume that there may be a problem and second they force the questioner to steel themselves for complaints or a confrontation which puts everyone on the defensive. At Tuttle’s Corner, we assume that everything is great and that everything is okay. During a meal, we ask, “Can I get you anything?,” and after a meal we say, “See you again” (or similar).
15. Never say “I don’t know” to any question without following with, “I’ll find out.”
We don’t say, “I don’t know,” and we’re always ready to demonstrate that we are able to augment a party’s understanding of the issue at hand either through first- or second-hand knowledge. We will never look stupid in front of the guests.
16. If someone requests more sauce or gravy or cheese, bring a side dish of same. No pouring. Let them help themselves.
Offer to pour (or, grate) and offer to allow a guest to pour (or, grate) for themselves. This is not scripted. Gauge the guest and make your offer to pour (or, grate) or let them pour (or, grate) based on what you perceive their preference to be.
17. Do not take an empty plate from one guest while others are still eating the same course. Wait, wait, wait.
This is true when there are two people at the table, but it at tables of four or more it is fine to pick up a plate if someone has finished a course quite a bit sooner than their companions, and plates should always be taken when asked.
18. Know before approaching a table who has ordered what. Do not ask, “Who’s having the shrimp?”
“Who’s having the shrimp?” is destined to be a long running punchline around here. Thanks, Bruce!
19. Offer guests butter and/or olive oil with their bread.
Rule of order: Which condiments are served with the bread, if any, is the kitchen’s concern, not the servers’.
20. Never refuse to substitute one vegetable for another.
Rule of order: Which substitutions can be made, if any, is the kitchen’s concern, not the servers’.
21. Never serve anything that looks creepy or runny or wrong.
Nothing creepy, runny or wrong should ever be accessible to wait staff to mistake for being something that’s intended to go to a table. It is not the floor staff’s job to judge or critique what the food should look like on the plate. If the kitchen gives you something to serve, serve it, whether it looks right to you or not. If you have a question about the presentation, ask.
22. If someone is unsure about a wine choice, help him. That might mean sending someone else to the table or offering a taste or two.
Very good!
23. If someone likes a wine, steam the label off the bottle and give it to the guest with the bill. It has the year, the vintner, the importer, etc.
Soaking in ice water is more effective for removing labels intact than steam or hot running water. Ice water is also preferable because it is quieter and uses fewer resources. Before volunteering to remove a label for a customer, though, we suggest that the customer take a picture of the label using their cellphone camera.
24. Never use the same glass for a second drink.
Don’t refill wine glasses? Whisky drinkers often like to be asked whether they’d like to use the same glass for a second or third drink.
25. Make sure the glasses are clean. Inspect them before placing them on the table.
Not sure why this needs to be said.
26. Never assume people want their white wine in an ice bucket. Inquire.
If they do want an ice bucket, make sure you’re keeping a close eye on their glasses if the bucket isn’t within arm’s reach of the table.
27. For red wine, ask if the guests want to pour their own or prefer the waiter to pour.
Excellent!
28. Do not put your hands all over the spout of a wine bottle while removing the cork.
Actually, one should never touch the spout of a wine bottle with one’s bare hands. If any wiping is necessary it should be done with a napkin. If cork needs to be removed from a wine bottle, first offer to filter and decant the bottle, and in any case, remove any pieces of cork you see in a bottle out of the view of guests, perhaps at the bar.
29. Do not pop a champagne cork. Remove it quietly, gracefully. The less noise the better.
Open champagne with an eye toward the mood at the table and in the room.
30. Never let the wine bottle touch the glass into which you’re pouring. No one wants to drink the dust or dirt from the bottle.
Moreover, always carry a napkin when you’re opening wine. Use it to wipe the lips and necks of bottles and to catch drips from pours.
31. Never remove a plate full of food without asking what went wrong. Obviously, something went wrong.
Yep.
32. Never touch a customer. No excuses. Do not do it. Do not brush them, move them, wipe them or dust them.
You may hug, kiss, shake hands with, brush, move, wipe or dust any customer who asks for or initiates physical contact. Let the guest take the lead.
33. Do not bang into chairs or tables when passing by.
Great advice! :-|
34. Do not have a personal conversation with another server within earshot of customers.
35. Do not eat or drink in plain view of guests.
36. Never reek from perfume or cigarettes. People want to smell the food and beverage.
37. Do not drink alcohol on the job, even if invited by the guests. “Not when I’m on duty” will suffice.
No comment.
38. Do not call a guy a “dude” and 39. Do not call a woman “lady.”
I’m troubled by the implied equivalence of “dude” and “lady” in these two items where the former may be too casual and the latter too formal.
40. Never say, “Good choice,” implying that other choices are bad.
I think “good choice” implies that a server thinks that a customer has made a good choice. Other choices would, hopefully, also have been good choices.
41. Saying, “No problem” is a problem. It has a tone of insincerity or sarcasm. “My pleasure” or “You’re welcome” will do.
Meh. It only sounds insincere or sarcastic when it is insincere or sarcastic. “My pleasure” and “You’re welcome” have been shown to sound pretty bad, too.
42. Do not compliment a guest’s attire or hairdo or makeup. You are insulting someone else.
Bullshit. If you feel like passing out compliments, go ahead, but spread them around the table as the night goes on.
43. Never mention what your favorite dessert is. It’s irrelevant.
44. Do not discuss your own eating habits, be you vegan or lactose intolerant or diabetic.
Ewww. Yeah.
45. Do not curse, no matter how young or hip the guests.
46. Never acknowledge any one guest over and above any other. All guests are equal.
No, the bill-paying host is more equal than others seated at the table.
47. Do not gossip about co-workers or guests within earshot of guests.
Since it will happen anyway, I’d say that it’s best to be as opaque as possible when discussing co-workers and patrons on the floor.
48. Do not ask what someone is eating or drinking when they ask for more; remember or consult the order.
49. Never mention the tip, unless asked.
Never mention tips, period. If asked, make like you’re in Asia, say, “As you like,” and remember that it all comes out in the wash.
50. Do not turn on the charm when it’s tip time. Be consistent throughout.
It’s always tip time, in other words!
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This entry was posted by Tuttle on Friday, November 6th, 2009 at 2:41 PM
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101. Age before beauty.
Good. Keep them coming.
Okay.
102. Don’t leave your cork on the table.
BTW, I like my gravatar. Can I change my username to WhosHavingTheShrimp (not a question) but keep the same gravatar?
That’s actually very important.
I’d have to hack the database to do it and I don’t know if the name change would affect the gravatar algorithm so short answer is, sorry, no. :(
username –> gravataremail address –> gravatar
Do you want to do it for him?
Sorry, no. ;)
Hi, Wily. I’ll repurpose your username (and your syntax) for you. It will be like there are two of you.
I hope you like my new gravatar.
And this is for you, Tuttle .. ;p
103. Never ask for ID and never shut anyone off. These situations should always be handled by the management. Please inform a manager immediately if there’s an uncomfortable situation at one of your tables or at the bar.
Love, Jemme
I’ve been meaning to write about all of the things I did to get myself fired from restaurants over the years…
Actually, there’s one that I can’t talk about and it was the one that was most worth the trouble…
104. Never serve a cold salad on a warm plate.
Seconded. And I’d suggest slipping it in at #14 which seems to be the point in the service where this would come up.
Absolutely. #14. All subsequent rules please take one step down.
Thank you.